I turned slightly to see Antonia propped on one arm regarding me with warm loving eyes."Good morning my darling." She brought her lips to mine. "Thank you." Why should you thank me?" For loving me, for making my first time so beautiful, for making my dreams come true. I'm surprised that there wasn't any pain though." She looked disappointed. "I wanted the pain. I wanted you to see my pain, so that you would understand how much I loved you. That I was making you the gift of my virginity." Dearest Antonia, I know that. Your experiencing pain isn't needed to prove it. And speaking as a doctor I would think that after all the stretching and contortions you have done over the years there was very little left of your hymen." Antonia stopped and examined that statement in her mind, and then a sheepish grin came slowly to her lips and she slapped the back of her left hand with her right."Me bad! I told you I was stupid." She laughed. "I feel different." Antonia mused. "I don't really know. If you want absolution, go to confession. You don’t need it from Maggie, and I think the only way you could get it would be to sleep with her, and THAT would commit you to a course of action you’ve already rejected.”“I still feel guilty.”“About Maggie? Or about Dona and Grace? I think your REAL issue right now is that you broke your own vow of celibacy, one which I do not think you should have made, and you’re blaming yourself for doing that and causing the problems with Maggie. May I be blunt?”“That wasn’t blunt?” I asked.“I think you made a mistake with Jocelyn, and should have stayed with her until the end of the Summer.”“But I wanted her to meet someone like Bill, just as I wanted you to meet someone like Abby! That said, I do feel uneasy about both Dona and Grace.”“Because in your heart you’ve already decided on Lara, assuming she’ll have you. And if she won’t, you’ll turn your attention to Elizaveta. And THAT is why you feel uncomfortable, not Maggie. Maggie hasn’t been real.
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